Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
