I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
