Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Are my feet made of real feet?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize