Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
