About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
