theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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