I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize