I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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