I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
