well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hippo gnu deer
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize