So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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