i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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