had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
