I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
