Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
