We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
