You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
