She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
