hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
