Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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