allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
