just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
