Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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