I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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