I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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