Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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