Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
