Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
