1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
