you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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