i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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