giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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