the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
