Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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