I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
