I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
