He had one of those small greek statue penises
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
