why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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