she looked like the before picture.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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