Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
