I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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