either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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