Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
