The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
