im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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