Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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