i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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