Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
