Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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