On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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