I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Randomize
