apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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