i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize