the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize