Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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