Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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